Horrible
by moon-soon
Summary: 'You hadn't always been such a horrible person, you're sure. It's just that you've always been a little selfish.'- a interpretation of Terri's character and her marriage.


**Author's note:** I'll admit I do actually like Terri (I do not like where they are taking her for season 2 though) and I felt she had some real serious issues, and as it was clearly stated she wasn't always like that. Also I wanted to offer an explanation on how her and Will's marriage deteriorated, without her being to sole victimiser.

Also hysterical pregnancy is a serious physiological issue and is often brought on by a mental illness. I never really liked the way they portrayed this whole issue on the show but have kept to the show and the characters and true as I could, which prevented from a hundred percent accurate portrayal of a person suffering from hysterical pregnancy (because most can not be convinced they are not pregnant.)

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You hadn't always been such a horrible person, you're sure. It's just that you've always been a little selfish.

You know who is to blame, you're father had no time for you and you're mother juggled you between five sisters. You knew how to make do with what you had, but that didn't stop you from wanting more. You were willing to work for it, but you didn't know how to get it.

You were always bright, regardless of what anyone else said. You were going places; you'd get far away and never come back. You'd go somewhere where there was more than Lima, someplace that had more than enough for you. So you studied hard, and you played the game because you were always really good at that and everything was on track.

Then you caught his eye. He wasn't worth it, everybody said so, but what would they know? You wanted more and you knew as soon as you met him he was a little bit more than anyone you'd ever met. He's smile at you and for the first time you felt satisfied. You didn't want anymore than what he had to offer, back when life had been simple in high school. Back when the most you wanted was a hand to hold and someone to love you.

Everyone thought it was a mistake, that you and he were too serious too young. That you would ruin each other, but you didn't listen because what could ruin this feeling. Where would you ever find another man who would buy you flowers, and look you in the eyes and walk you to your part time job and listen when you were talking? If there was another man out there, you didn't want to meet him, because it wouldn't matter. You'd already found him and he was all that would ever matter.

Everybody told you first loves don't last, but that's not something you want to hear. You've never loved anyone before and this was the first time anyone had ever loved you and you didn't ever want to let that go. He never said anything but you're sure he's never been loved properly either.

You love him and he loves you and that enough so that when you graduate you get married straight away.

You two play house, you work yourself raw at a job you hate to get everything you want. He goes to college and you promise him you'll go the next year. You never really end up going, but that doesn't matter because you can kid yourself into thinking he never really wanted you to go, you and him live off of each other, you're all that matters to him and he's all that matters to you.

You work so he doesn't have too, which is probably why you will feel entitled later in the marriage that he owed you, that it was his turn to take care of you. Neither of you really got that you were supposed to be caring for each other at the same time, not taking turns. You never really stopped playing house and started being a married couple.

It's not until his last year at collage that you feel him slipping away from you a little bit. You realise he's suddenly a bit smarted than you, a bit better read and you think that skipping collage may have been a mistake because you have nothing to talk to him about. It had never bothered you before that you didn't have much in common, that you didn't share the same passions because you had each other in common and you were each others passion.

But now suddenly he started caring about other things, he was passionate about things you couldn't comprehend. And you had never noticed before that you don't have much in you're life besides him.

He has study buddies now that he knows you can't help him. He had friends you've never even met and you start to feel lonely because all you're friends have left and all you have is him and Kendra- who was the only other sister to marry and stay in Lima.

Then you realise where you are. You're in Lima and really it's not like you had forgotten or anything but you realise that you never moved forward. He got to move forward, but you were still stuck in the same place and that didn't feel fair.

You gritted your teeth and let the year past, it which he was gone more and more and spoke of more and more things that had nothing to do with you other than him. He talked of people you didn't know by face but knew by name, and you threw yourself in further and further to that stupid job until you snapped.

He graduated and got a job at a high school. You quit that horrible job and applied at a job at the mall, something simple and with fewer hours now that he was working.

He was still so engrossed and you still felt miserable and you stopped by a store on your way home from work. It was a beautiful necklace in the window, and you pressed you're hands up against the glass for a second before you catch a bus home.

He starts talking about his work more; he's makes friends with the coach of the football team who is around his age. And you spend longer and longer lingering around that jewellery store looking at the necklace, and then looking at the brooches and the rings.

He goes away for a week on an excursion for the kids and you buy the necklace. He doesn't notice it for nearly a week after that, but he smiles at you, one of those old fulfilling smiles and tells you he wants you to have whatever you want.

But he doesn't really because then he spends over time at work every night that week. So you look for something to do while he's not there. You trying photography but that doesn't work out like you want, you rejoin the gym you haven't seen since high school and take long runs until you collapse from exhaustion. You start shopping more, because obviously you must have more money if he's working so much more.

You start a new job in a craft store and you're quite good. So you bring some things home. You clear out his study and drop all his books on your bed and set up a collapsible table and start to play with things. You make a scrap book of your wedding, and then hide it under the bed. Then you make a photo frame and put a picture of the two of you in it.

You give it to him when he comes home, and he makes a big fuss over how much he loves it, and how he'll put it on his desk at school. He doesn't even mind about the study and puts all his books in boxes and hides them in the closet. You feel like you can breath a little easier again and you remember why you love him so much, because he was always just a little bit more than you deserved.

It doesn't last- the feeling and he goes back to work and you buy drapes for you're new craft room, and put knick knacks around the house. You start getting calls from love struck teenagers which he says is nothing and you know that's true but you feel something indescribable. You go buy thing you don't need and end up just hiding them in the closet. You don't want to look at them but you feel a little warmer when you look past him when he's talking to you about work and see the closet door.

You fill the craft room but quit your job and find one at sheets and things, and you like it there but work even less and spend more and more time in that craft room. You call up Kendra and she brings her kids over and you talk about t.v programmes and your craft projects and her sons. You watch the boys out of the corner of your eye and wish your husband was there with you.

Later he brings his coach friend home so you can finally meet, and his friend says you're husband always goes on and on about you and you feel lighter again. He speaks of a new guidance councillor that their both friends with and the man speaks of her in a besotted way. You like him if only for the way he speaks about her and you turn to your husband and ask about his new friend.

You never hear much of anything about her, just that she has obsessive compulsive disorder, had red hair and is good at her job. He speaks of her briefly but affectionately and you don't think your smile breaks once, but you hide more things in the closet the next day.

There is a new employee and you sort of like that you have seniority over him. His name is Howard and he does everything you say. You feel like your back in high school and you remember what it feels like to have people listen to you.

You finally have something to talk to your husband about and he seems happy for you. Which is just like him really, he just wants you to be happy. To have everything you ever wanted.

And you are happy, both of you, despite everything. He loves you, and that's almost enough for him, and he loves you and you know that should be enough for you; and you want it to be enough. But then you go out and buy a new pair of shoes and hide them under your cluttered bed or spend hours locked in your craft room or boss Howard around in ways you know you're not supposed to.

He comes home excited one day about a musical program and you feel bad for a second but you don't even flinch when you say it's a mistake, when you say horrible things to him. You've been saying them for a while and he just smiles like he always does and tells you he loves you.

You've been babysitting more for Kendra and been thinking more and you've been wanting more again. You asking about having a baby and he seems to be genuinely excited and it is enough to get you excited too.

You hadn't realised how much you want this, how much you've always wanted this. Someone who loves you unconditionally. It happens really quickly from then, and you take a test after a week of trying and it comes up with a yes.

You want this to be perfect, so you ask him to take a job at an accounting firm. You know it's selfish but the pay is better and to be honest you know he'll hate it and stop spending so much time at work and more time at home. He starts to go through the process of it, but it seems to be killing him and she doesn't say anything when it doesn't last.

Instead he spends more time at work, and you stop shopping for things for your closet because you feel sick every five minuets with morning sickness and you feel fat and your breasts hurt. But you're happier than you have been in a long time.

You go to the OBGYN without him; he's busy with Glee, which makes him happy so you decide not to push that- at least for now. Your doctor is blunt with you and you feel your heart crack into a million pieces. A hysterical pregnancy.

You didn't know they even existed and you have no idea what to say to him when he comes home. So instead you skip work and go home to shop online then lock the door of your craft room and cry.

You're in denial for a while and your call Kendra after hours of crying to come over for dinner. You sit there trying to act normal. You realise now that there never was a baby, but that doesn't make it feel any less like you've lost a child.

You worry if you can even have children, you haven't used a condom during sex since you were married and it almost been eight years. You wonder if he'll leave you, you're not sure it he loves you anymore, he seems more and more emotionally disconnected with you. Doing things because he thinks he should not because he wants to. Because he's so fucking nice, and really this is your fault entirely.

Kendra calms you down and suggests something horrible. You agree anyway because this whole situation in horrible and you're a little bit horrible. And you don't know what else to do and really you want to end up with more than what you have right now.


End file.
